(update: after i wrote the post below the moderator of the group opened it back up. a couple of people had commented without realizing the subject had been closed and after that the moderator posted that although race and culture are off-topic for an agency review board she felt there were so few places to have these type of conversations that she was opening up the subject again. it’s a rare thing for a moderator to change a ‘rule’ or guideline like this. it’s what makes this agency review board particularly special.)
over the last couple of days there has been an interesting conversation regarding culture/vs. skin color on one of the adoption agency review boards. today the moderator decided she had heard enough and closed the discussion. i was saddened by this. the moderator is white. and it’s her board and she has every right to stop whatever she wanted to stop. but i was sad. the discussion was thoughtful and passionate. it was also rare. it’s rare to find a place where people who disagree can talk. does it really matter if we all get together with people who agree with us and then talk, talk, talk. shouldn’t we be out trying to affect change? can we affect change while keeping ‘to ourselves’
i have been remiss in not posting more about race. it’s a natural omission. i don’t think much about it until a) i read something on a board that i believe cannot go unnoticed or b) something happens in our lives based on being a family of color that makes it impossible to go on until we address it.
of course, much happens in our lives based on being a family of color, but most of it is unremarkable and just needs to be ignored.
so i’ve put up my first link. what tami said. it’s there on the right. if you don’t know it go and say hi. she’s wonderful. thoughtful, full of humor and wisdom. and she’s a mom. and she has something to say about what’s going on.
and i’m going to try, every once in a while to live up to her example.
thanks tami.
I saw that thread and was just about to pipe up with a “love your response, K” when it got shut down.
I usually don’t get involved in these discussions because I feel like I’m not really qualified. I’m still sitting back and learning from people who have already been there.
I also feel pretty lucky that I live in a predominantly black area and J goes to a 95% black school. There was a situation where he was pushed to the ground by another child and when I heard about it (from his teacher, not him) one of my first thoughts was that I was glad that ALL of the kids in his class share his race and I didn’t have to worry about whether this was racially motivated. I don’t feel quite prepared to deal with that yet, but I’m working on it.
Anyway, loved your response, K.
i have to say when q had his experiences at the white school i never thought anything happened because he was the only brown skinned child until the child first said ‘she saw him first’ when she said he did something he didn’t do. that was a wake up call. in Q’s new school he doesn’t stand out. that at least is a relief.
Hi Kristine,
I just wanted you to know that I have absolutely no aversion to discussions of race, quite the opposite in fact. I was asked by someone whom I have a tremendous respect for to end the discussion. Normally I wouldn’t shut down a conversation, however, as the board is about agency research, I did feel it was my duty to move on, specifically because the board has an agenda.
My kids also go to a very diverse school, in a very diverse neighborhood. And I feel very lucky.
JoAnna
No JoAnna I didn’t think you have an aversion to discussions of race. I think you are one of the most lenient (as far as ‘off topic’ discussions go) among the yahoo boards. it was sad, or is sad, because there are not many places where people who would not necessarily go for a talk about race get to actually hear different opinions. and i mean that for me to hear different view points also. I don’t think everyone that wants to should be able to adopt transracially but given that anyone who wants to can, no matter how little they have ever thought about these issues, i wonder where they are going to begin to learn about these issues.
but i don’t think you need to do it all or be all for everybody. it’s a wonderful board which i really appreciate! you’ve done an amazing job in a very short time.
and your passion for older child adoption is a guiding light too!
and i know the town you live in (i don’t know if you remember a long ago e-mail you sent me) but you are very lucky! it’s a wonderful community.
I’m so tempted to ask- what town?
what i love is that 2 of my favorite writer/blogger friends are discussing this topic. I learn so much for the both of you and how you handle what you are saying and how things are framed and responded to! I wish we could have a cool, liberal, trans racial family, mom blogger get together!
i was very interested in the discussion and chomping at the bit to chime in- however it was off topic, and kristine usually said it so well anyway. unfortunately the big ethiopian board has way to many people and way too much ignorance for me to be able to stomache it. many times ive read joanna’s posts and thought ‘ she should just cut and paste that response every time that subject comes up’
i believe, unfortunately , that there are way too many white parents adopting whose children rarely ever see anyone else that looks like them- or if they do its a rarity. or parents who believe every one should just love each other and not recognize our differences… its too bad.
btw- i found the article on babies and race in last weeks newsweek so very fascinating-
you both rock and have gorgeous families!
(now if you could just find someone willing to pay for another adoption from ethiopia for me that would be much appreciated
if i had money i’d give it to you! she and are about 2 hours (best guess) from each other. there should be a get together!
i have not been on the big yahoo board for about a year. too sad. i feel a bit bad about that as i had a fair bit of very interesting e-mail contact with people to nervous or shy or private to post on a big board. but it really ate at me and wasn’t good for my health.