we listen while we work and our children watch and sing along
one of these things is not like the other
one of these things is not the same
one of these things is not like the other
one of these things is not the same
a song from a popular children’s show meant to teach children about what?
I’m not sure
perhaps there is a reason but I do not know it
and if you are two or three years old
and you are the different
everyone around you knows it
the moment they see you
before they talk to you
get to know you
they know
and you know
you are the different
you are one of these things that is not the same
different is not what you want to be when you are three
You want to be the same
You want to be part of the group
You want to be a friend
You want to be liked
You do not want to be the only
You are not ready for that
You want to be part of something
You want connection
And you go to school for the first time
You leave your family
You are scared
And happy
And expectant
And you want more than anything to belong
So you wear your bulldozer shirt
Because you saw the boy with the nice laugh and fun spirit
You saw he had a bulldozer shirt too
And you feel you are the same
You know you are the same
And now, wearing your bulldozer shirt everyone will see
You like bulldozers too
You are ready to belong
You are ready to make friends
And your teacher when another student asks about your skin
About why your skin is different
From hers
And most of the people that she knows
Your teacher says
Different is beautiful
We are all different
And it is beautiful
We are all beautiful
And the truth of that statement is not lost on you because at three it is not taken in
And what is not received cannot then be lost
For you are three
And you are more feeling than thinking
And what you feel is you do not want to be different
And if your name is q
And you are three
And you are unusually quite on the ride back from daycare
Usually a happy time of day
Usually a talking/happy/giggling/handsmoving/smiling eyes discussion
But this day
Silence
Brooding
Staring
Confusion
Looking out the window at the trees
And your mommy
For you still call her mommy
She asks what you are thinking
Was school (you call it school – wanting to be so big) good
And you say yes but do not look in the mirror
And then you tell your story
You are three
And the teacher says everyone is different
And beautiful
And your mommy says that’s right
That’s lovely
And for the first time you look at her in the rear view mirror
And for the first time you look at her like she doesn’t know as much as you do
And you are right
She doesn’t
And you talk slowly
And with some disdain
So that maybe she will learn
And you say
‘no it’s not mommy
it’s stupid
they’re the same
I’m different
Well, break my heart, q. I feel for your little man, he’s a wise thing, right? I remember when we went to the pre-adopt class and the SW asked what are our fears for our children. It was very hard for me to say it without crying, but my fear is that my son will one day have to learn that it is a cruel world. It’s also a beautiful world and part of the beauty is that it is not always happy and good, but for a 3 y.o. little boy, you really want to maintain their blissful ignorance.
It’s hard, right? Being a mother or a father is not the hardest job in the world because of the hours, it’s because of the hard lessons that they learn and you help them to integrate into who they are. They do feel more than they think and those feelings are shaping who they are becoming at that age.
I hope our boys can get together one day. They sound very much alike in temperment and style.
Christine
My hear sank when reading this! What a challenge. What a wonderful boy you have!
I know Q’s teacher tried to affirm Q and make a positive out of the situation, but it always seems that our children (and I mean mine) are reassured that it is okay to be “different” by those in the “same majority”. I can understand the almost false security there. And I feel for you Kristine, as Q’s mom. It is tough to hear those back seat stories or questions. It hurts. I hurt for our children. And it is a hard realization to know that we can love them, encourage them, help them love their self worth and yet still come face to face with the hard fact that we can’t protect them from or avoid situations like that or not feel the weight of words, questions, looks. Dear Q, in all his beauty. Dear Q’s mom, in all her beauty.
His teacher was wonderful and really loved him. There was no fault at all nor with the little three year old child that asked who did not see a lot of brown skin peopl e in her life and was honestly confused about why a white skinned mother had a brown skinned child.
What that day opened my eyes to was how much q wanted to fit in and not be noticed for his skin color and beautiful curls. Rather than lifting him up he felt it only separated him from the others. I learned a lot about the way I then responded to the questions after that. I completely stopped the “everyone is different and beautiful line.”
I’m trying to post the few things I’ve learned from q little by little starting with the very first lessons.
all for mother’s day
you know
Wow. Kids are so insightful and q amazes me every time.
Yes, I’ve lived this too…and I too quickly got rid of the we are all different and we are all beautiful line…instead, I just made sure we bought the same shoes his friends had, and the same lightning mcqueen cars and the same dvds. There’s time for different is beautiful later. Right now, we have a little boy who is desperate for community and companions and love.